When I started doing interviews for my documentary, Girls of Summer: A Women’s Baseball Odyssey, there was one phrase that kept popping up from players, parents, coaches, MLB executives, etc. Some version of: “we should let women play baseball.”
That seemed fair. “We should,” I thought. I had three daughters who played baseball and they made up 75% of all the girls playing in their youth league. Yup, there was one other. They loved the game and got along very well with the boys they played with, but it was still odd that in a child’s world, there would be things so basic as a game that was gender segregated.
During production of the movie, I traveled with my small crew around the U.S. and Asia, filming the WBSC Women’s Baseball World Cup, MLB’s Trailblazer Series, to name a few. I interviewed close to 200 people for this project and I must admit, it took me well into the making of the documentary before it occurred to me – the basic assumptions in these “we should/they should let…” statements were a part of the problem!
I started to wonder: “Who holds they keys to someone else’s dreams? Who gets to decide? Who is the master of this universe who can allow a woman to do something as basic as play a ball game?”
It could be argued that we have a crisis of opportunity (at least, in the world of baseball). Whether that’s true or not, I’m certainly not in any position to “let” a woman do anything. In my world, I was dealing with a crisis of language and assumption.
We don’t need to “let women” do anything. It’s time to change the wording we use. When you give your permission, you are putting yourself in a place of superiority and authority. This linguistic assumption puts girls and women in a place of inferiority – even if it doesn’t give anyone specific the authority.
Parents “let” their children play baseball. I “let” my daughters play baseball- they were under eighteen and my children!
If I look at myself and think, “I should let women do X, Y, or Z,” it’s putting myself as the “man in charge.” It’s an unhealthy way of thinking and using language.
It’s not time that we “let women play baseball” or “let a woman run the White House”. It’s just simply time that women do, for example, play baseball or occupy the highest offices in the land.
There is another problem with “letting” someone do the thing they want: it takes away our need to engage. There is no action in “letting.” It’s time to be ACTIVE. To actively make room and give support for women to be 50% of the lawmakers and CEOs.
For those of us who are natural leaders (or at least, think we are), we can learn to be even greater leaders when we become comfortable following. There is an old saying that “behind every great man is a woman.” Well, we men can be active in actually supporting and making the inverse true. And the inverse is awesome.
As a man who actively supports his partner, I can tell you my first hand experience of this is amazing.
My partner owns and operates a small business that I sometimes help her with. A few weeks ago, I made a decision to do something that she asked me not to do (though expressly said she wouldn’t stop me). Turns out, I should have listened. It was a mistake.
I apologized and acknowledged that I recognize in this business, she is the boss.
This was a huge relief! I get to do a lot of fun work in helping, without the burden of being responsible for the ultimate outcome. Responsibility is heavy and there is great inner peace and freedom in being able to to follow – or to be a support without the burden of calling the shots.
And it really is fun! This is her newest product, reusable, cotton bags handmade in western Kenya, by the way.
My partner is one of the smartest people I know. That said, I am also a few years older than her, a father, owned homes, run businesses, etc. That experience translates into some things that I know that she doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean I should be in charge. And it sure doesn’t make me right! It does, however, make my support valuable.
Given this, my job is not to “let her” do anything, but asking what she needs, giving my input, advice, and being a true support.
For many of us, our deep-seated need to be in charge and run the show can be such a disservice to happiness. I’m pretty happy guy. Knowing this has been like a rocket boost to that happiness.
Whoever this collective “we” is has to stop being the gate keeper for what girls and women can or cannot do. Let’s not “let women” do anything. Instead, let’s actively make way and support. This is an issue that will take action and engagement. Nothing really changes on its own – change moves in the direction of those who are taking action.