I have found great wisdom on the simple truth that I am the only one in control of my destiny – that I am a free human being who can chose his own path. At the same time, I have found equally great wisdom pointing to the power that comes from accepting the events of my life as they come to me.
Yet, it’s between these two poles where I find life happens. One one side, the need to engage my will forces, exploding into the world with goals, dreams, and creativity. On the other side, acknowledging that what has been given to me in my life was for a reason.
There is so much I want to do, push for, and accomplish. Yet I also need to find a way to welcome the hand I’ve been dealt.
Recognizing this raises these questions for me:
1) How do I accept my life and what comes my way without settling for less?
2) How do I engage my will forces with the necessary finesse so as not to miss the great opportunities that come my way?
It is in the balance and harmony of these two poles that shed light on navigating this great dichotomy – and taught (and is still teaching me) Actively Allowing.
One very important tenet of this paradox, however, is to remember that there is no right or wrong answer. And certainly no final answer! Instead, keep the questions alive and supple! This way, when you come to a crossroads in life, you can remain both true to you ideals and destiny, while weaving what comes at you into the tapestry you call your Life.
This balancing act carries an added twist for us men. It’s pounded into us in every story we loved as kids- the hero choses the right path and is victorious! We are heavy on the “Active” side, but weak on the “Allowing” side.
Just do a google search for “masculine traits” or look up the definition of “masculinity.” You will find words like “strong,” “assertive,” “leader,” and “powerful.” Antonym will be words like “weak,” “timid,” and “feminine.” Now, who wants to be associated with those things? Not this man!
As men, we’re not supposed to fail. We are “virile” and “vigorous.” We’re winners and we can do anything we set our minds to. So, what happens when life doesn’t go as planned? How is this image of ourselves getting in the way of the balancing act of Active Allowing?
We need to strengthen our acceptance of this paradox as a practice. We need to get to the point where we don’t feel we need an answer. This can feel weak, but it’s quite the contrary. To be centered in uncertainty is a truly great strength!
You are not God (even though there’s a pretty popular book that says you were created in his image). You cannot know how things really should or shouldn’t be.
You must be steadfast in you beliefs, yet hold deeply the possibility that what you believe to be true and self-evident may be wrong (or at least no longer fitting for the world as it will be in the future). Your “failures” can leave you flat on your face, or can be an Aikido move of life, leaving you standing strong.
You must have faith that the world will provide – yet you must keep searching, pushing – tirelessly, never giving up your vision for a greater life and a greater world. You must define your beliefs and construct a foundation upon which to build your understanding of the world, and then release that! Your foundation is not permanent, but a growing organism that may be unrecognizable once it has transformed from the worm it is today into the butterfly it will become.
This of course takes practice. A practice. And it’s a practice of Active Allowing.
Start with the little things. My life totally changed one day about eight years ago when my motorcycle ran out of gas on the freeway. I got to the shoulder and then had to push my 1100cc motorcycle a mile in the hot, Los Angeles sun. I was not happy!
Then I wondered, “why do I think my life would be better if I was at home with my family in air conditioning, instead of out here. It’s just a judgement call that I’m making – and I’m making the choice that’s making me unhappy.”
I changed my thinking on it – this is just as good! And my life has never been the same.
Maybe you get fired from a job – what and where is there an opportunity in that? As Steve Jobs famously said in his commencement speech at Stanford in 2005, “…you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
That’s why, after things fell a part for him at Apple, he was able to go on to be a founder of Pixar!
Our tendency is to hold the negative view instead of the positive – precisely because we can’t see where it’s going. We have to trust – WE MUST BE VULNERABLE. And as we all know, that’s not a socially acceptable way for us men to be.
But when we do, we can be present, in the moment, make new choices out of freedom, not out of fear. We can see the event as an opportunity. I don’t believe Steve Jobs was more special or capable than any of us, he just put this into practice.
Just a few years ago, I was broke and nearly lost my home to the bank, all while my marriage was falling a part and my mother passed away. All of these things could have been crushing, but I was able to implement what I had been practicing.
I became curious – “why is this happening to me?” I checked my inner tone of voice – I asked the question not in exasperation, but in the way I would ask the answer to a riddle.
“What gift lies underneath this?”
Life is a dance that is a constant play between fighting for you dreams and what you believe, while accepting and truly loving the apparent detours, roadblocks and tragedies for the opportunities they are.
These opportunities are neither right nor wrong – they are life! And life just “is”, in the greatest sense of the word. It’s time to actively engage in allowing our lives to be.